"Im wereyolf. Not joke. Kiss me? CuL8r."

So first I had to pick up Ethan and Alex from the Caldiera-Perry house. Once at the theatre I bought my ticket and Ethan's (because I'm an amazing person) and waited for Alex who returned with amazing mashed potatoes which he stole from the restaurant down the street along with six dollars to buy his ticket. I ate the mashed potatoes, carefully avoiding the gravy and was told very rudely that a certain someone would not be giving me a handmade Christmas present. Unfair! He expects a birthday present and did I get one a month prior? No. Until I get a handmade mirror you are not getting any presents from me. Not even Sherwood Brownies. So there.

Also, while we were waiting for Corbyjane I realized the strange scent I kept smelling was my sweatshirt. Apparently the truce between me and my cat was a fake and she peed in half my clothes and my luggage bag. I am not a happy camper.

Now onto the fun stuff! New Moon. I nearly died mocking you. Everyone knows that I'm not exactly a quiet person especially if we are in a quiet place. Libraries are a prime example, no whispering for me. Also, because I'm Ashley and all around amazing people should look at me and know that their quiet time is over.

We entered the theatre and climbed the far stairs until Corbyjane stopped by a row with four seats available. There were young girls sitting in the row behind and me, thinking only of the response they may have to out heckling, did not want my back facing die hard fans. "No, not here." I hissed, not so quietly. "They might jump us!" I really did mean this because they were fans not because they were Latina and I was in Salinas. I promise.

So instead we sat a few rows up behind a New Moon cougar and some more teenage girls. The movie started with an dream sequence/flash forward thing that was a waste of film aside from establishing that Bella has a fear of aging.

I hate Charlie. All his scenes are painful to watch. The character was annoying enough in the movies but now Charlie is a forty something year old man who is trying desperately to be a teenager with his daughter. Almost to the point that I want to gag and claim incest. "I'm a chronic bachelor." WHAT?! Why do you need to announce that? Once again he proves to be a waste of film and the movie's budget.

Jacob makes his first New Moon appearance and, as expected, you can see where the wig is glued to his tanned forehead. Also just to get this straight. I appreciate that Jacob has a sexy body I give the kid kudos but I don't think that he's worth screaming over. Or creating Team Jacob underwear. Also, I am nineteen and as most know I do not find younger men attractive ever. There is no exception. When I look at Taylor Lautner I see:


with a really nice body. So yeah.

Also, if you are going to make a movie about perpetually marble white people learn to BLEND. The make up on Edward was awful. It was like they ran out on his remarkably large forehead.

At least Bella focuses on more than just "I love you, don't kill me!". Now it's "I love you, kill me so I won't be such a cougar. It doesn't matter that you're a century old." So the protesting Bella goes to a birthday party held by Alice and nearly dies. While opening a present Bella gets a paper cut and instead of saying, "Oh ow. Paper cut," and then sucking on her finger until the bleeding stops she stares at it like she just cut off her hand and it's spraying blood everywhere. And let's face it, it is because fingers have major arteries in them. That's why Jasper tries to kill her and Edward throws her across the room (gently) and she slams into the wall of glass (gently) and loses half her blood from three small cuts in her arm. I won't even tell you that the color of the blood is wrong in every bloody scene. Just because the movie is about bloodsuckers doesn't mean the colors have to be accurate.

This near death experience makes Edward revert back to the "I love you but I'm dangerous" mode and he leads her into the forest to finally kill her. Not. Instead he just spends twenty minutes breaking up with her. Bella, being a moron, takes it all in and just goes along with the break-upage (because if she didn't there would be no plot) and then curls up into a ball and dies. Not. Some shirtless man with glowing eyes finds her. (Wolf, wolf, wolf!)

Let the shirtlessness begin.

October, November and December pass in a matter of second because Bella can time travel now.

Finally Bella is back to real life. And it must be April or May because the snow is gone, why didn't those months spin around her depressed face? Anyway, she goes to Port Angeles and is reckless with a random biker and it draws out the ghost of Edward. Yes he had me fooled too! All this time claiming to be a vampire with a sparkling, red lipped disease but really he's a ghost! This appearance leads Bella to buy motorcycles and convince Jacob to fix them and waste another hour of my time. At least he take off his shirt at one point. Because his entire shirt is a great way to smear some blood over Bella's forehead. "You're sort of beautiful" line sends me into gales of laughter and the epic fans are starting to get annoyed.

So for the past hour Bella has led Jacob on and now she's asked him to the movies along with another guy that I also don't care for. Other guy gets sick and then Jacob has a testosterone spike (he's hit puberty!) and claims sickness too. (Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!)

There's a scene with a chronically shirtless Jacob and Bella standing in the rain and Bella complaining of his hair, tattoo and "what they've done to you". And then Jacob avoids Bella like the plague.

Without Jacob Bella has returned to her nightly screaming (which sounds like a woman in labor). She decides to find the meadow from the first movie and see if that makes ghost Edward appear. It doesn't. And the meadow is dead like their relationship. (Although it's still rainy season in Washington and therefore there is no reason to kill it unless vampires have found a way to feed off of grass blood). But Laurent appears! And he kills Bella! Not. The wolf pack shows up and chase Laurent off. Damn.

Then there's a scene in her room with a chronically shirtless Jacob and Bella complaining of his hair, tattoo and "what they've done to you". No it's not a case of deja vu the writers just wanted to provide the fangirls and cougars with another shirtless scene. Then Jacob returns to avoiding Bella like the plague.

And it takes another hour for Bella the moron to comprehend that Jacob is a werewolf. At least in the books she was able to think of it herself. In the movies Bella is even more dumb and must see Jacob explode into a ball of fur to understand. Unfortunately Jacob does not let wolf-brother kill Bella when she slaps him but at least we get to see some more werewolves! Or not. Just when the movies gets exciting they leave to go to some mountain man's house out in the middle of the woods.

Victoria makes an appearance in the forest and hunts a bunch of weakling humans. (Kill Charlie!) And attacks the other old guy. Wolves appear and there's more slow motion. I thought Vampires were supposed to be fast.

Meanwhile Bella jumps off a cliff fully dressed. And doesn't die. Victoria appears and Bella knocks herself out. Edward appears under water a la Across the Universe. The two are reunited but then someone saves Bella. STUPID JACOB.

Alice, my favorite, reappears. Jacob and Bella almost kiss a billion times. Jacob tries to stop Bella and at this point I was laughing hysterically and telling Bella to just let Edward die. (Corbyjane was mocking Jacob with bad puns.) This is the point that the girls (all of them including the Twilight Cougar) turn around to tell us to shut up in various forms. Which of course just made me laugh more.

Bella and Alice run off to Italy to save Edward (unfortunately) from provoking the vampire president. And guess what? She gets there in time. And saves him. But not before Edward contracts anti-shirt flu and takes his shirt off. Ew. I urged Edward to put his shirt back on but he was too busy paying attention to Bella.

Dakota Fanning made an appearance. And after a fight scene and a long meeting just to establish that Bella's brain is broken the group returns to Forks. Edward returns to his nightly stalking of Bella, all is right with the world.

Blah blah blah.

Edward proposes to Bella. LE GASP. ....

I laughed for about twenty minutes. Partially to hide my face from the epic fans that may want to memorize my face and partially because it was the funniest part of the movie. :]